DAY 29: I Can’t

 

‘I’ve tried, but I’ve failed over and over again. I am tired of trying to conform. I can’t be true to myself if I keep trying to adapt to the world. I had desired to be like everyone else, but it seems clearer to me Lord, that You don’t expect me to be like everyone else. I can’t follow the pursuits and the passions of the world around me. I have tried Lord, but it’s not working. Now, all I want to be is whom You’ve made me be, a lover after Your own heart. I used to think I was weird until I started seeing that the saints in scriptures and the ancient Church fathers had the same passions from You.

 

Lord, I will not forgo my calling to be a chaser after Your heart, so that I may conform to the world. All their vanities don’t excite me anymore. I feel odd in their petty discussions and vain desires. I don’t care about these things Lord. How did You get me to this point, I don’t know. But I need help to know how to be true to these desires You’ve put in me and how to live it out in a world that is hostile to men like me. I will be laughed at. I will be mocked. I will be slighted. I will be downplayed. My sense of worth may be trampled upon. But Lord, teach me not to care about these things. Teach my heart not to degrade itself to become a normal human being. I don’t want to be normal. I don’t want to live the normal life. I want the heart panting after You to be my defining character. That’s all that matters because all these beautiful things shall indeed vanish and fade away one day. So keep me faithful Lord. Keep me true. Amen.’

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